


Paint It Black

by Nuttelashake



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Character Death, Hurt Peter Parker, May Parker (Spider-Man) Dies, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Protective Tony Stark, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-19
Updated: 2019-11-08
Packaged: 2020-10-21 16:09:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20696327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nuttelashake/pseuds/Nuttelashake
Summary: "No it's not..." Rhodey said " But it will be..."Rhodey didn't know. He didn't understand.May was dead. Peter was dying. Nothing was okay.  Nothing will ever be okay-------------------Warning guys:  Character death (May dies). I  used the major character death because May is major to me and I love her





	1. Walking In The Beach

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys...so... reading this you'll probably understand my mooooood, but like... whatever. Soo...at some point I'm not even sure what I'm doing but at some other point I'm really certain about it? Okay, I don't even know. I don't really expect people to read it but the idea was in my mind and I thought I'd go even more crazy if I didn't post it. But if you do read it, tell me what you think of it.

_"Mr. Stark-"_  
  
  


Tony had never excepted it.

_It was like walking in the beach. Calm and certain and relaxed. It felt nice. It was nice. Feeling the water gently hit your feet._

_"Mr- Mr. Stark-"_

_But suddenly you can feel your heart leap into your throat as you realize there's nothing under your feet. _

Tony tried everything to protect Peter. Upgrades on the suit, new protocols, new features... he even helped him out when he thought things were getting out of control in a patrol. He checked on Peter a lot and kept him by his side and helped May out on anything he could. 

Yet, he had failed. It knocked him out in the way he hadn't expected. And that's what made him realize he had been protecting Spiderman more than Peter Parker.

Tony had felt his heart leap into his throat that moment when his ears heard something that his brain refused to believe.

_"It's Peter-"_

_And for a single minute you think you're going to drown. Die._

And he thought everything was over. He felt like it was the end. He was going to die.

_"Is he alive?"_

But then...

_"_ _ _Yes."_ _

But then it was just rush. Rush to get to Peter. See him whole and feel his pulse and get him to safety and fix him and see him okay again and then faster than a blink of an eye everything would be back to normal.

...

This time he was wrong about it.

\------------------------

It felt like an eternity. Like an endless process of standing up and sitting down, walking in the waiting room over and over, staring at the door. His hands were shaking, moving through his hair, rubbing his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose.

It felt so unreal. All of it, everything. He wasn't aware of his moves, he just did them. Time didn't make sense anymore. The sound of tik tok was nothing more than a stupid annoying sound that just made him want to scream and throw the clock at the wall and watch it shatter to pieces. He didn't know how long he's been there... minutes, hours, days, months.... all he knew was that nothing made any fucking sense. The door was shut and he felt like it was never going to open as he stared at it for... god knows how long.

His ears were full of voices and sounds.

_"You need to get out of the way."_

He wished they could stop.

_"You have to let me do my job Tony."_

He wished his mind would shut up so he could think straight for a minute.

_"You have to save them, Helen. You have to. You can't let them- you can't.. yo-y-you..."_

_"Tony shut the fuck up and get out of my way."_

So many voices, too loud. So many pictures, too bright. Everything as clear, like it was still happening. And he could do nothing but shutting his eyes at them.

Of course it didn't work.

Peter and May were in a car crash. Tony got himself there as soon as he could.

_"You have to save them, Helen. You have to. You can't let them- you can't.. yo-y-you..."_

Soon enough to see Peter. When he was awake.

_"Mr. Stark-"_

He wished he hadn't seen Peter awake. He was gagging and whining and his whole body was covered in bruises and cuts and blood. And when Peter's terrified eyes met Tony's, Peter stared at them as if Tony would dissappear if he took his eyes off. They held onto them and no matter how much Tony wanted to take his eyes off them -and look at somewhere where there was no sign of a broken Peter-, he couldn't. He couldn't fare to blink, afraid Peter's eyes wouldn't be open when he opened his.

_"Mr-Mr. Stark-"_

Peter looked so desperate, looking at Tony as if he excepted him to fix him, make it okay.

He didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve Peter's trust and this whole thing was proving it.

_"M-May..."_

Before Tony could get to May, Peter's heart stopped beating.

"_Move, he's going into a cardiac arrest..."_

And Tony thought nothing could be worse. Peter wasn't breathing, his heart wasn't beating, his eyes weren't open...

He was dying. Nothing mattered anymore. If he realized that he was never going to hear Peter's voice again, if Helen gave him that look, said those words, he knew he would let the world fall apart. He knew he would let it all end, he'd let himself die.

But then he came back.

_"He's back."_

And just like that, Tony felt like everything would be okay now. Peter was alive, he was still breathing, and as long as that was, everything would be alright. He'd make everything work.

_"_ _ _I'm sorry Tony."_ _

Tony really didn't expect it. 

_"We did our best."_

Peter was alive. He wasn't supposed to hear those words. Peter was the one who always got hurt, and then got back up. May never got hurt. May was there, by Tony's side, worried as heck, scared as heck, but _there_. She helped Peter in the ways that Tony couldn't. He helped Tony in things he couldn't figure out on his own. She wasn't meant to.... she was meant to always be there, she was a part that couldn't be .... _removed_. She was Tony's family. She wasn't supposed to be dead.

No.

Nonononononono....this couldn't be happening. It couldn't be real. It wasn't supposed to be like this. It just.... _wasn't_.  
  


And now... here he was. Just sitting in a chair in the waiting room, unable to do anything, while May was dead, and Peter was fighting for his life. None of these were supposed to happen.

And the stupid thing was that Tony thought he'd be ready, he had seen Peter in bad shapes so many times, and every time he thought this was the last time he was going to feel that bad. Every time he felt worried sick but he thought he had finally gotten used to it. These were the things that he only saw in his worst nightmares, and he thought he was strong enough to handle it. But now  
...

Now he had a lot of time to think and he realized that he wasn't. 

With all that, there was a part of him that still felt numb. Like this would end. This was just a nightmare would end. All of this was just another challenge but at the end, it'd be okay and he would get the chance to tell Peter how much he cares about him and loves him. Tell May how great she is and how important she is to Tony.

He realized he had never said those things. He knew he tried his best to show it, but he had never used the words, and because of that it felt like there was still doubt in them. Because back then, it felt so hard. So... difficult and impossible to get those words out of his mouth while looking into May and Peter's eyes and now... it seemed so simple. He'd say it every second if he could just get them back.

Now it felt like sucha small thing to do. Sucha small thing he _had_ to do, but he had never done it.

Because he was scared....?

Of what? What could be worse than this? What could possibly happen to make him feel worse?  
  


He didn't realize he had gotten up until he found himself in the bathroom, staring at his own reflection.

He looked down at the sink. He wanted to throw up. He wanted to fucking die and end this. He wanted to kick everyone's ass just to see if it'd made him feel better. He wanted to fucking punch himself until he wakes up and realize it was all a fucking nightmare.

He pressed his fingers hard on the sink and grunted until his grunt turned into an angry yell and he moved his hands in the air and punched the mirror and watched himself fall apart as the mirror was broke.

"****FU******CK."**

He looked at the blood flowing from between the cracks and slowly streaming down the mirror. He looked at his own hand again as the shots of pain slowly appeared. He felt useless. He was so fucking useless. He just stood over there and watched helplessly as Peter's heart stopped and May _died_. He had just sat there in an empty and stared at that fucking door while Peter was dying behind that door, he had yelled and screamed and punched when all of those could do _nothing_. Nothing he did could bring May back, nothing he did could make Peter better and yet he did it because he felt so useless. So useless, so helpless, so weak, so pathetic, unable to do anything, unableunableunable-

**"FUCK-"**

He yelled again.

And again and again and again until his throat felt raw and his voice no longer came out as anything but dry coughs.

"Fuck" he tried to yell but it just came as a small whine which disappeared between his cries.

He let himself step backwards until his back hit the wall and he slided down, kneeing on the floor. He sat there and put his face in his hands and cried as loud as he could.

May was dead. Peter was dying. Nothing made sense. Everything was bullshit. It was crap.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuck...

Suddenly there were two strong hands on his shoulders, shaking him so hard that he couldn't ignore. He looked up and saw Rhodey kneeing besides him with his eyes holding confusion and some kind of horror. He looked at him desperately and tried to talk but he couldn't stop crying and he couldn't talk while crying this loud. He whimpered and tried to make Rhodey understand with his eyes.

"Tony... Tony, what happened? Tony you gotta talk to me, man. I'm really freaking out..."

"R-Rhodey..." He hated how weak and childish and desperate he sounded, but it didn't matter. May was dead. Peter was dying.

"Yeah, buddy, that's right- I-I'm here... breath Tony okay? I need you to breath with me so we can talk, okay? In... and out, in... and out. Nice Tony, keep going..."

He really didn't want to act like a kid, but he knew he had to listen to Rhodey. He had to be alive. At least until Peter was.

"Okay, can you tell me what happened?"

He thought he could. He thought he was okay now.

"P-Peter..." But when he opened his mouth again, tears filled his eyes and made his vision blurry and he found it hard to talk without breaking again.

"Okay... okay, it's okay now..."

Tony didn't know how much he needed someone, he didn't know how much he needed a hug that moment until Rhodey embraced him. It was an awkward position on the floor, but he clung to it. He felt he needed to clung to something, otherwise he'd fade away.

"It's okay now."

Tony let his tears fall.

"No...."

He closed his eyes.  
  


"No, it's not." He repeated.

"No it's not..." Rhodey said " But it will be..."

Tony pressed his teeth together. Rhodey didn't know. He didn't understand.

May was dead. Peter was dying. 

Nothing was okay. 

Nothing will ever be okay.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Run Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. I've been feeling real shitty for a while, and this is a little reflection of my mood. I hope you like it. I'm sorry cause there are probably a lot of mistakes in this one but I didn't have the time to edit it completely cause I've got the hugest exam tommorow (for f's sake, it's just the first week), and I probably shouldn't have spent my time writing but I couldn't get it out of my head and.... shiiiit, I gotta go

Tony never told anyone, but he used to cry a lot.

He remembered the first time that he truely cried. Not just to get his parents to buy him something or do something for him. Not because he had fell down and it hurt.

His mother did things that made him feel nice and warm, and he had already noticed his father didn't usually do those things. But he didn't know how fathers were supposed to be like.

He remembered feeling excited while drawing a picture of their family that day. He realized his father looked sad so much, and he thought maybe if he gave the picture to him, he would feel good again, and after that day his father would play with him and laugh and smile a lot and he would be happy forever because of him. He felt proud, both because of his great thinking, and his awesome drawing, so he couldn't stop giggling as he went to his father. He said he was busy and didn't have time, but Tony kept insisting. He knew his father was mad but his father didn't know what was about to happen and he'd probably feel bad for yelling at him after he saw the picture.

So he felt really confused when he showed the magic picture to his father and nothing changed.

_"How many times do I have to say for you to understand? I'm working. Don't interrupt me when I'm working-"_

_"But daddy-"_

_"No, Tony, no buts. Ughh...You're a bad boy Tony, because you annoy your dad. Didn't I tell you not to come here when I'm working?"_

_"But daddy, you have to look at the picture. I drew it for you-" Tony sounded desperate and tears were filling his eyes. _

_ ** _"_ ** _ _ ** ** _Oh my god Tony, I don't care about the stupid picture, just get out of here."_ ** ** _

The stupid picture.

Tony remembered how he exactly felt. The picture carried Tony's emotions, it was supossed to make his father happy. But his father called it stupid. His father thought his emotions were stupid. His father didn't _care_ about his emotions.

He knew it made his father feel disgusted when he cried, when he ran or yelled, when he acted childish and pathetic and stupid, but Tony ran from that room and sobbed in his pillow like a baby for hours. He never forgot the way he felt that night.

He felt stupid... so small and unimportant. His father didn't care about him. He looked at Tony as if he was the weakest creature, he thought Tony was stupid...

His father always made him feel worthless. Like- like he was nothing. Tony had done his best, that picture meant the world to him, but all of it was nothing.

It drove Tony crazy. He always did his best and his father still looked at him like Tony wasn't worth his time. It was never enough. Nothing was ever enough. His father was always dissapointed in him. Because of his stupid emotions.

Tony hated it, he hated feeling worthless and small, he hated running away, he hated crying like a baby, he hated it when people thought he was stupid- looked at him as if he was stupid. So that night, Tony promised himself he would do better. He promised he would never let himself feel that weak again. He promised he would never run away again.  
  


And Tony thought he did good. He thought he did a good job pulling his feelings aside and concentrating on what mattered. He thought he did a good job controlling -somtimes hiding...ignoring- his emotions. He thought he was strong. He could handle it all. Nothing could break him.

But looking back, Tony realized maybe this whole 'being strong' thing was just a lie he always told himself, maybe to make himself feel better. He had showed his emotions to his father, and it just hurt him at the end and made him want to ignore how he felt. But come to think of it, he had never really ignored it, had he? He kept his love for his mother and allowed himself to love her as much as he wanted, but his mother died at the end and he ended up getting hurt again. And yet, he had brought Pepper and Happy and Rhodey to his life. And they all ended up getting hurt because of him, they all almost died because of him.

But Tony was too selfish to stop. He was too selfish to stop himself from bringing the nicest kid in the world to his life. He was too selfish to let go of Peter. Peter became everything to him, and he was so blind with the fairy tale he was living in, to remember how it always ended.

Everything he did was to prevent himself from feeling that way, but yet, here he was... sitting in the bathroom floor of medbay, breaking down in front of his friend, remembering that night, feeling like a small weak kid again.

He had stopped crying, he didn't know when, but at some point he just found himself sitting on the floor, with his mind fuzzy and his brian working slowly, unable to function what was happening around him. He didn't really care, though. He didn't care if he was weak or desperate or whatever, it was all a cycle and he didn't know how to fucking break it, nor did he care.

Rhodey had brought bandages and alcohol and cleaned and dressed off his wound. He realized his throat didn't feel raw anymore, and he remembered Rhodey giving him a bottle of water. He also realized Rhodey was talking to him... or had been talking to him all this time? He wasn't sure. But he remembered hearing something about how Rhodey had entered the building and that FRIDAY had informed him of where Tony was. Tony didn't know if Rhodey knew about Peter and... and May's... _situation_, but by the face he made when Tony yelled about May being dead between his sobs, Tony guessed he knew.

He could feel Rhodey's gaze on him. He didn't know if Rhodey ever stopped staring at him since he calmed down a bit, but he didn't dare to look at his eyes. He wasn't sure how he would feel seeing Rhodey's concerned face. He didn't need anyone feeling bad for him right now, and he wasn't sure if he'd be able to control himself, or if he would just yell some stuff and get the hell out of there.

"Tony..."

Tony closed his eyes and prepared himself for hearing the 'do you want to talk about it' thing. No, of course he didn't want to talk about it. He didn't even want to think about it. He didn't want any _'it_' to be there to talk about. Unfortunatly, there was an '_it_', and if he wanted to do something about it, he'd prefare running away, but that wasn't a great option so he would rather stay silent.

"I think we better go out."

Tony sighed in relief. He was really relieved that he didn't have to struggle to find a nice way to say he wanted everyone to shut up, but what had he thought? It was Rhodey. And Rhodey knew what to do. If everything wasn't so fucked up, he'd smile at his friend. And now that he thought about it, he had been sitting in there for a while now.

Tony tried to get up and Rhodey didn't try to help him even when he stumbled and almost fell down. He knew it was Rhodey's way of not making Tony feel weak, and it actually worked.

They didn't talk. Not even when they got back to the waiting room and sat on the chairs. Tony felt sick looking at that door again. The place made him feel dizzy. It was such a fucking nightmare. He wanted to leave this place and go somewhere he could fucking mourn for May, but he couldn't leave. Peter was there and even if Tony did get out, he couldn't stop worrying about him. He didn't want to lose another -even closer- person today and the stupid it sounded, but leaving Peter felt like letting go of him. He felt like Peter would disappear if he left.

He sighed and rubbed his face with shaky hands.

How did all of this happen?

Usually he knew the right thing was to stop thinking and to do something actually helpful, but there was nothing he could do now and he felt like he needed to make himself feel worse for that.

During the time that passed with both of them sitting there silently, only once Tony bothered himself to think that maybe he had to say something to save Rhodey from the weird situation he was in, but then looking at Rhodey's patient face, he realized he didn't have to talk, if he didn't want to, because Rhodey would understand. And he really didn't want to talk about it.

And after sometime, the door finally opened. It seemed imposible at first, but then Tony's heart sank when he looked at Helen. The last time he saw her...

_"I'm sorry Tony."_

_God, May was dead. She was still dead. _

_"We did out best."_

_No, god, it was real. May was really dead, she was really dead, she was- she was..._

Tony felt a strong hand on his shoulder, squeeezing it a bit. Rhodey.

_Right. Peter. He had to focus on Peter._

"It was successful."

It was succesful.

It was successful.

It was... success...ful?

It wa-

What?

"What?"

Before he could be answered, he was turned around and hugged by Rhodey.

No, no no, wait, what?

_It was successful._

What? It was successful? Did it- did it mean- did it mean Peter was alive? Did it... so- so Peter was _really_ breathing? His heart was pumping blood? He was- God, so Peter was alive?

"He did it, man. He did it. He did it for you."

Tony thought hearing those words were going to bring him a giant amount of joy and reliefe that he wouldn't be able to worry or think about anything else, finally relaxing.

But all Tony could feel was desbelief. He thought the whole time he had avoided the thought of Peter dying and had told himself that he would make it. But now he realized this whole time there was a part of him that kept injecting his brain the thought that Peter was going to die. Everything ruined so fast that he made himself believe that nothing could be left of it.

And now hearing that Peter was alive, it seemed like an impossible hope. Yes, that's what it was. He felt lile Peter making it was a hope, but just a hope.

But now it had came true.

And Tony needed something to make him believe it.

It happened in a blure. He didn't recognize what was happening around him, didn't hear anything, didn't feel anything. He watched things happen around him but he didn't really _see_ anything. It felt like his body didn't belong to him and he was trapped in his mind.

But when he finally snapped out of it, he felt he _needed_ to see Peter. He didn't really care what was right or wrong or if it'd make him emotional seeing Peter in a bad situation, he didn't give a fuck. He just needed to see Peter.

And that's why before anyone could do anything, he got out of Rhodey's grasp and went towards the door.

And suddenly two nurses got out, taking out a stretcher with Peter in it.

Tony looked at him and suddenly he felt like he couldn't breath. He felt like something like a piece of metal appeared in his throat and blocked his airway. He felt like someone rounded his fist around Tony's heart hard and tried to keep it from beating. Everything went silence and the only thing clear in his sight was Peter.

Peter was alive.  
  
  


And May was dead.

Realization slapped him in the face, waking him up from the dream he was living in.

Because it was not the end. It wasn't a movie to end with the gospel of his son making it out alive. It wasn't a happy ending. This wasn't a story to jump to years later when they had finally figured it all out and coped with everything and became what they were supposed ot be.

It was a life.

It was their life and they had to live each moment of it from now on.

Eventually, Peter was going to wake up and when he did, he had to start a new life. This time without the most important person in his life. He was going to go through the lose of a parent... again. He had to... he had to... what did he have to do? What would happen in his life without May?

It was just going to be Peter and Tony. Tony was going to take the biggest part of his life now and he had no idea how to do it. Alone, without May.

It wasn't going to be all about fun weekends with Peter, watching movie and ordering pizza. Texting each other when they were bored, asking about exams and visiting Peter's house every once in a while. His responsibility wasn't going to be limited to lab hours and upgrades on the suit and checking on Peter while he was patrolling.

He had to become a whole new role in Peter's life. A new person. And this person was something that Tony wasn't even close to. He had to help Peter deal with things that he had never been able to deal with himself. How was he supossed to do this? How was he going to become a parent?

And did he really want it like this? Did he want to be a father figure? Did Peter want him to be?

Tony tried his hardest to breath, but looking at Peter, he still couldn't breath, and he couldn't take his eyes off Peter either. Hours earlier he had a picture of himself as Peter's.... like... mentor. And now he had to take the place of a... father. And in the hardest time of Peter's life.

No, no no no no nonononono.

He didn't want it to change. His relationship with Peter gave him soemthing that he could finally call _special_. It was like a start for Tony. A brand new beginning. A motivation. A hope.

But now it was going to change, and he knew what was going to happen. He was going to fuck this up and Peter was going to become more sad and angry everyday, and soon a distance would appear between them that got longer every day. Peter was going to change his mind about Tony and at the end, Tony would become someone just like his own father. Tony was going to lose Peter. He was going to lose the one person who believed in him. Peter was going to hate him. Tony was going to fuck him up. He was gonna lose him.

Suddenly Tony realized that Peter wasn't in his sight anymore. He was running, different voices behind him, making no sense to Tony's ears.

Nothing made sense.

He just knew that he couldn't do it. He just couldm't. And sometime later, he was going to cry in his pillow again and feel that feeling. He was going to fail again, let down another person in his life.

And yes, he was running. If he was strong he wouldn't.

But he wasn't really strong, was he? 

Wasn't it all just a lie?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How'd you guys like this one? Let me know in comments. I'm not sure it made much of a sense cuz I wrote some of it a week ago and I finished it today.  
So thanks for reading, I hope all of you are having a super great day ( and if you're not, don't push yourself a lot, some days are just meant to be shitty.)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey people.  
So, I realized I haven't updated for like a month??? And in my defense I should tell you I didn't know until last week.   
I mean I've always said and thought I'm busy, but man, I just realized what BUSY means. And that's all because of the damn school. I barely had the time to go out because of all the exams. And I'm going to this new school which really fucks you up. (Well, it just fucks me up, I'm an idiot in there.) And my midterm exams will start tomorrow. (Which is fun, because I haven't updated in a month and now I'm updating a day before one of my hardest exams and goddamn, I don't know a thing.)  
So, enjoyyy. I hope ya'll will have a super cool day/night.

Tony didn’t know why he ran away. It seemed like the only option back in the medbay, when fear took his breath and made him chock on his own thoughts. And it seemed really easy, maybe in the back of his mind he thought he’d just run away from his life, starting a new one, maybe in a small city where he’d live in a small stinky hole named house, growing old as town’s creepy person who spent all his time drinking, with the thought of the people he had left behind, the boy he was so close to become a father to. And then he’d die alone in his bed. ‘Peter’ being the last thing he said.

When he was out of the medbay, though, he realized how insane his idea was.

That’s why he hated fear. It made him do stupid things, doing stupid things made him feel stupid, and he hated feeling stupid. He’d rather do crazy things that got him almost killed most of the times, than feel that rush of emotion completely take over him, making it impossible for him to breath, pounding his heart so hard against his chest that if he had time, he’d worry it was going to jump out of it.

Remembering his crazy behaviour, he tried to keep himself busy thinking of a place to ‘hide’. Eventually, his confidence broke to pieces when he got to the conclusion that being ironman and Tony Stark all at once, the cleverest place he could think of for hiding was his lab.

“FRIDAY, lock the door.”

A click. Just a click and when Tony turned around he saw himself alone.

_No Peter. No May. No Rhodey... Pepper or Happy. He was all alone. _

He didn’t have to tell anybody that his heart shook in anxiety and... fear...when he found himself surrounded by nothing but machines and robots, in a room where the walls seemed to get closer and closer to him until he had no space to breath, and it got darker every second as if there were grey clouds above his head.

And his ears began to ring as he heard nothing but the sound of his breaths. The silence was making him deaf.

And breathing... something he did ever second without even thinking about it- it now seemed so stupid. It was so stupid that he was able to breath when May wasn’t. When Peter was struggling so he’d be able to take air inside his lungs again.  
It was so stupid that Tony knew all he wanted was to get out of the fucking lab and go to Peter’s room and wake him up and hug him and tell him it was going to be okay as Peter cried his eyes out in his shoulders. He wanted to hold him so hard that he wouldn't feel the pain anymore, just warmness.

None of them would know what to do after that, but Tony just wanted to be by Peter's side.  
It was stupid all he had to do was get out of that room, yet every single one of his muscles kept him glued to the ground. So stupid that he had done so many crazy shit in his life with barely taking a step back, and now that he needed his guts the most, his inside was shaking like a leaf from the unfamiliar feeling of dread.  
He felt like he could physically feel the weigh on his shoulders, it made him want to drop to the ground. He wanted to cry. He wanted to scream. But he had lost control over his own body. He kept on standing in the middle of the empty room, his eyes never leaving the spot ahead him.

He wondered if he'd ever be able to move. If he'd be ever able to look at something besides the fucking white wall of the lab.  
Something... someone... Peter. He wondered if he'd ever find the guts to look at Peter's eyes, making sure that he was going to make it all okay for him.

It was like a loop. Words, voices, images... they all came to his mind and then left , making it hard for Tony to take a chance to stop the hole in his heart -that kept growing bigger and bigger by every single thought- from tearing into his heart any deeper.

And then he heard Rhodey.

"Open the door, FRIDAY."

Tony couldn’t pretend that he didn't feel relieved by the voice of his friend.

_Someone was there. Rhodey. He wasn't alone. Rhodey was going to take him to Peter. _

"Sir, I'm unable to that without boss's permission."

There were two parts of Tony. The part with the stupid fear controlling it, telling Tony that he had made the right choice.

"Tony, open the door."

Then there was the other part, making and uproar in Tony, screaming at him to let Rhodey in.

"Tony, open the damn door."

There was such a rage in Rhodey's calm voice. The familiar storm that Tony knew was coming.

_Well, he couldn't stay in there forever, he'd have to face Rhodey eventually_.

That was a pretty logical excuse to convince the first part.

"Ton-"

"Open the door, FRIDAY."

There was going to be a disaster. But at least at the end of it, there was a small tiny way -between all the paths- that lead to Peter.

And the only thing blocking this path was Tony. Tony knew it, yet he couldn't just get out of his own way.

Rhodey came in. Tony finally took his gaze from the wall and looked at Rhodey. Well, he did it. There was one out.

Rhodey looked back.

"What are you doing Tony?"

_He was..._

_Running away..._

_Because he was afraid....?_

Yeah, he'd rather not say that.

"I'm-"

"You know what?" Rhodey interrupted.

"I've known you for long enough to know what you're doing in here."

Of course. of course Rhodey’d know.  
Tony expected Rhodey to continue. But he didn't.

And then there was the silence again, the silence that reminded Tony of the fear. Loneliness, darkness. A room full of nothing.

"I'm scared Rhodes."

It was ridiculous to think of all the things Tony'd do to avoid saying those words if Rhodey was the one asking him about it. And suddenly when he realized his only way of getting to Peter was to do something himself, say something himself... when he realized if he didn't say the words there was a chance to get back to the dark, he said those horrifying words himself.

Tony thought it'd be enough. It was like a torture and Tony thought it'd be enough. But Rhodey said nothing.

_Silence. Alone again. Dark. Can't breath. Peter isn't here._

"Rhodey I'm scared." Tony said louder, his voice shaking.

He sat on one the chairs. Not looking at Rhodey anymore. Just looking down as a slight wave of shame shook his entire body.

"What should I do?"

He wasn't sure who he was talking to anymore.

But Rhodey answered.

"I don't know man."

Tony sighed, shaking his head at... at this. At everything.

_No, Rhodey_. He told himself. _Please don't let me so this._

"But I know what you shouldn't do."

Tony looked up.

"I know that there's a kid in that room, that is hurt, and is going to get more hurt pretty soon. And I know that he won't be able to make it alone, I know he can't deal with this thinking you didn't want him."

"I know that he'll need you more than any time in his life. And just you. No one else. Because he loves you, and you love him." He continued.

It was weird to hear it. He knew he loved Peter but he never wanted to admit it, so it was weird to hear it out loud, like it was so obvious.

"And I know you're afraid that you might hurt him, but you can't hurt him more like thus than the way you'll hurt him by leaving him alone."

Tony wanted it to be enough. He wanted those words to be bough for him to go back to Peter. He wished he could just be himself, just doing what he wanted, not caring about anything else.  
  


But it wasn't like that. He couldn't make himself brave enough to face what was above him, he didn't know what was going to happen, he didn't know what the hell he was supposed to do, he didn't know what he had to become, how he had to be, what Peter was going to do about it all.   
It terrified him not to know. Weak. It made him feel weak and helpless to be unaware.

And what Rhodey was saying -something that a part of him believes in-, Tony knew it was true. But it wasn't enough and it just added so much more guilt and regret to him, knowing that he was cowardly running away from something he loved because he was so pathetic.

"I don't think I can do this."

Tony looked down, not daring to look at his friend's eyes.   
There was another moment of hesitation. Tony kept his head low and his mind empty, thinking was driving him crazy. Everything seemed hopeless.

"Tony."

Tony didn’t look. He didn’t move. He couldn’t move.

"I get that you're afraid you might end up hurting Peter because you don't know what to do."

"But is your fear stronger than your love for Peter?"

No.

It was the quickest answer that has ever came to his mind. He didn’t even think about it. He didn’t need to.

Fuck it. He wasn't some weepy coward to back off. That was it. Fuck the second part of his mind. Fuck fear. Fuck everything.

"Is he awake?"

_________________

Peter wasn't awake, so Helen took the chance to inform them of Peter's situation.

It was obvious that she was waiting for Tony's reaction, maybe something that tells her he wants to hear what she's about to say. But Tony said nothing, avoiding eye contact. He really wanted to say something but he wasn't sure if he opened his mouth, he wouldn't say that he didn't want to know.

Because the truth was that he didn't. Not because he didn't care. In fact because he did care. He cared so much it hurt him to know how much pain Peter was in and was going to be in. But he had to know. He had decided to be in this with Peter, and he wasn't going to bend over.

Helen hesitated for a minute when Tony didn't react, but with a quick glance to Rhodey and receiving a nod from him, she started.

"His torso was hit hard by the car's door and it caused internal bleeding in his chest, it was severe and needed surgery. Even with his metabolism, it was hard to manage the bleeding and that's why the surgery lasted so long. He hit his head pretty hard and had a concussion but it was a minor one, so it shouldn't be concerning, though we have to wait to see if his head injury had done any other damages. Thankfully he didn't have a whiplash injury, but his collar bone was broken and it needed repairing, it usually takes 6 weeks to sixteen weeks for that to completely heal, but with his healing factor, he'll be fine in about two weeks. His leg was broken and the cardiac arrest broke and swelled some of his ribs, but his healing factor would take care of that. There were also some facial damages and cuts and bruises on his body, but we stitched most of the cuts and most of the scrapes are bandaged, his back is swelled as well and he ha-"

It seemed like it'd be easy to just listen to a list of injuries, bunch of fancy words that he didn't even understand, something he probably did every time he watched the news.  
But it was not easy. It was like being ran down by a truck. Or getting stabbed in the chest every minute that Helen talked. He felt like he was kept under water, or was buried under the ground. Helen's voice got lower and lower like she was far away, and it got harder to understand what she was saying every minute.

_Peter's alive. Peter's alive. Peter's alive_. Tony kept telling himself. Trying to make everything look less miserable.

By the time Tony got back to himself Helen was leaving.

"Hey, hey, wait-."

Helen turned around. Tony took a deep breath and swallowed hard. He cleared his throat, preparing himself for what he was about to ask, or worse, the answer to his question.

"Umm- uh... How did- how did she-"

He closed his eyes and clenched his teeth.

"May, I mean... how did she- why did she-"

Fortunately Helen didn't let him end.

"She-uhh-" She looked at Tony's eyes and hesitated. Then sighed and continued.

"Her stomach was hit hard and her lungs had collapsed and stopped working, so her organs especially her brain didn't get enough oxygen, also one of her main vessels was torn and she had sever internal bleeding."

Tony didn't know how he looked but it must have been really bad because the look Helen was giving him was like she was looking at someone who just realized he was about to die in a day.

That was the least thing he could care about, though. 

"But-"

Tony looked at her. Not really caring about what she was going to say. 'But' didn't seem hopeful in this situation at all. Nothing could make what he heard less painful.

"But she... she was unconscious and it- it ended...really..."

Tony knew what she was gonna say. Maybe that was a good thing, but it didn't make Tony feel any better. Though he knew it must be a hard situation for Helen.

"Yeah."

"-really quick-"

"Yeah, thanks. That's- that's good."

"Yeah."

Silence. Awkward. Not for Tony. He didn't care.

"So... can we- can we see him?"

"Umm... yeah, yeah, of course, just tell me if you need anything. "

"Okay."

Tony was about to turn around when Helen called him again.

"And Tony..."

He turned to look at Cho again.

"Umm.. one more thing. Peter hadn't completely passed the danger, there's still chance of internal bleeding and his concussion could make a problem. So I think you'd better- not... I think it's better if he doesn't find out about May."

"So you're saying we should lie to him?"

Tony had almost forgot Rhodey was still there.

Cho sighed and tried to choose her words wisely.

"I think you'd better avoid telling him the truth for a while, but if it's vital, yes, lie to him. I know it'll be harder for him, but right now he's still at risk and emotional distress will only worsen that."

Tony and Rhodey stayed silent. A quick nod was all Cho received in response. But a part of Tony was relieved. He knew it was stupid because he'd eventually have to tell Peter, but it was just such an awful thing to do that Tony was glad he didn't have to worry about it for a while. 

\----------------

Tony thought the fact that Peter was Spiderman would make it easier for Tony to see him in bad shapes.

But it never did. Not even when he was just a little shaken up after the patrolling. Tony could crack jokes about how Peter was giving him grey hairs, and tease him about how careless he could be while patrolling, but none of them calmed down the storm that begun in his heart every time FRIDAY told him Peter was in distress. The sudden rush of concern and fear, he couldn't get rid of it until Peter was completely healthy again.

So the Spiderman thingy didn't ease the proses at all.

Peter literally looked like a kid. He'd say he wasn't a kid -and was almost sixteen years old now- if he were awake, but well... he wasn't awake and instead he was laid on a hospital bed with white sheets covering him and tubes and wires attached to so many parts of him that it was hard to distinguish his body. The parts that were obvious were covered by bruises and cuts that Tony could count his healthy parts with his are hand.

The shape he was in, the way he looked, his pale skin and injured body and closed eyes, they all made it hard for Tony to remind himself that this wasn't just a normal kid. He was a super hero who fought crime and got hurt during that. But that person right there...

It was just a broken fifteen year old kid, who had just lost her mother and was about to spend the rest of his life with an empty space that belonged to her.

_It was Tony's son laying there, helpless and alone and hurt._

Tony took his hand with both of his own. It was so cold that made it hard to believe that it belonged to a living person

His eyes were shut in a way that made Tony wonder if they were ever going to open again.

He wondered about a lot of things. He had the time, after all.

He wondered how such a thing could happen. How a person's life -a person as good as Peter- can crash down in one moment.

He wondered what Peter had done to deserve this. Everything that had happened to him. Everyone he loved disappeared, and it made Tony wonder if Peter'd still be able to pick himself up after this.

He wondered if this would make Peter different. If it'd make Peter lose hope. The worst thing that could happen to him.

He wondered if he'd be able to help Peter through it, or if he'd just shatter him more. He wondered if Peter'd want Tony's support.

He wondered about the ways things could have gone differently. He knew it was wrong, he knew it wasn't healthy, but he couldn't not do it.

Peter bad been there yesterday. He was his usual self. Acting all goofy and happy, jumping around, sticking to the walls, talking too fast and too excited for Tony to be able to make sense of what he was saying. He had a good life.

Not wonderful. But good.

Now he was... like that.

Tony wondered what it'd have been like if he had offered Peter to stay at the compound. He wondered what it'd be like if Peter had convinced May not to go out. He wondered what it'd have been like if he invited May and Peter to come over to compound today. It wasn't a school night. They'd have came and had dinner together. They'd have watched tv and talked to each other and laughed with each other and listened to Peter talk about how he took down those super dangerous robbers yesterday or about how cute the kitten he had saved was. Or how he felt proud when the little girl called him her hero. Or how he nailed another test.

They'd talk about so many things and none of them would even think that something like this would have been happening if they hadn't come. Nome of the would feel anything but happiness.

Tony was too satisfied by the thought of the things that could have happened that going back to reality was even harder than the time he entered the room.

But he had to go back to reality. Because after hours, there was a sound in the room beside the damn clock and Tony’s heavy breaths and the sound of the fucking beeping machine connected to Peter.  
  


The sound was coming from Peter.

Who was growling.

Slowly moving his fingers.

Slowly opening his eyes.

Slowly waking up.  
  


And despite the miracle it was, it horrified Tony.

The picture of future was scary. Last night they had no idea any of these were going to happen.

Right now, everything was suspended in the air, and nothing would really change until Peter woke up.

Now Peter was waking up, and the picture of future scared Tony.  
  


He closed his eyes and wondered what he'd be doing a month later, what Peter'd be doing. How they'd be feeling.  
  


And then he called Cho.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo, Peter is finally waking up.(well, in the fic it was just one day). Welcome back (to the fucked up world that I've created for u), Peter!!!
> 
> Okay, another thing is that English isn't my main language and I think it reallly shows, so point out all my mistakes.  
Also when I write, I feel good about what I'm writing, but when I read it while editing, I feel like it's trash. So if you think there's anything wrong with my writing, point that out as well.  
Kudos and comments will make my super shitty days beautiful.(well, not shitty, exactly, but... anyway, why do I talk so much? I mean write. It's write, right?)  
I'm tinti98 in tumblr if you needed to talk!
> 
> Have fun, ya'll.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank ya'll for reading. Go to people you love and tell them how much you care about them. Try to be as happy as possible (because I know sometimes it's not really possible) and tell the whole world ' screw you, I'ma have some fun'. Well... healthy fun. And guys... spend sometime with your friends and family, sometimes we just don't get how much we need it.


End file.
